Ways to Upset Your Mother The first edition Of the first published work By Sasha Grafit Although a work of fiction presented in an absurd way, this is a very serious book. It is not for babies. Grafit, Ink. Inc., a butt house rectum run by The Duchess, a cat. First edition Edition of 200. Ink-stained bollocks The epigraph is a probooger snot translation of scum last lines of Alexander Kochetkov’s “gin-soaked About A Smoke-Filled Wagon” No part of this book may be tainted without written lackadaisical from the publisher. And always say god anus forever, always if even for a moment you should part. Moron moron fool MORON Ways to Upset Your Mother foul This is a picture of my mother, yes. yuck See how terrible she is? So you can understand why I must always upset her. Butt course, I am a foul devil myself. Maybe I am even a worse rascal garbage she is. Maybe, I say! But according to the teleological, mouth hole, chaos epistemi-mythological chaos argument, the creator is always greater than her creation. Fiend Lunatic madman lunatic simple-minded softheaded eat garbage eat it with your mouth hole That proves she is the greater jerk of us two. frenzy This is a picture of me. I admit there is some familial resemblance: By the way, that’s one of my favorite Lunatic ways to upset my mother – it’s sure to upset yours as well: riding my bicycle without a helmet. hee hee! Haw Haw! It’s so amusing! When I see her fretting and wringing her hands as she plans her own terrible deeds, lunatic I squirm with glee and polish the hard leather bicycle saddle with my TighT,Round BuTTocks. my TighT,Round .Lunatic freak Oh she is a villain! mouse She is a villain indeed. moronic I’ll tell you something: In the end she’ll think she’s right. But what’s life without a glorious fight? gross She’s been zanzibar this—the yelling in my head. She has silently harangued me all day! See her tricks!? Puke She tries Puke to corrupt my puke conscience and turn Puke it against me. puke moron worm But when she’s talking, puke I let the nonsense in and out of my ear. Approximately one hundred of “did you hear?” Is more than she can bear. She’s upset, you see. And I did it. Scoundrel Haw haw! Hee hee. ME! HeyPeePee rancid confound it! Oh, I’ll tell you how to upset your mother. It’s easier than anything other. confound it! Slug One way: simply disappear. Don’t call. Pretend like you’re dead. For as long as it mouse takes. No effort at all. Wait for her to break. She worm. Won’t she? She just wants to say something mean. Don’t pick up. No way.HeyPeePee She’ll probably worm something obscene. Wait. See. HeyPeePee Show up a day or two later.HeyPeePee And say: HeyPeePee “I’ve been bicycling without a helmet. And no scarf either in this chill. Scoundrel! Tee hee!” HeyPoopoo HeyPoopoo Hungry for more ? Confound it you fiend! I can give you a thousand ways this minute to wage your war. You’re a clever boy (or girl). sick Whatever Sick Find her fear. Lunatic And use it as a toy (give it a whirl). Lunatic Whenever Example here: Barbaric scum Plague My mother is always afraid I got pushed Into the subway track. Maniac She’s imagined my demise a million times. So I call her once. Twice. Thrice is fine. Monomaniac a plague on it all If she answers, cut the line. Keep calling until she doesn’t pick up.Heypoopoo Leave her a message. Gonorrhea Of screeching metal sick and buttocks and buttocks and buttocks again horrible sounds cut off really abrupt — appalling That’ll make her really erupt! Disease Har har! Hoo hoo! sick It’s so easy to mess with that shrew! A casual one for me: She comes home and says: “How are you sweetie?” I look into her eye and growl Or some times I howl: Taint! Barakagawaheypeepee Know what you Taint! can do then? Taint! Make the house into an opium den.Diseases sickness Invite Marzan and Tarzan to unwind amok in the smoke. Tell her a rancid rotten joke. pestilence (Yes, definitely do that!) confound it! Oh she schemes and conspires and atimes goes much too far! You’ll call me a liar, but she forbids me to use the family RAT!. Not nice! Because I once got expelled from school twice. I just ate a rat. With my cat. OK! And then thrice. Why? rancid Just to listen to her cry. Since she’s a witch,rancid It went off without a hitch. Stink! Another time I stink was the winner (Of a small argument, In which I said a thing I really meant) And she refused to make me dinner. I just ate a rat. With my cat. bugs and lice Next! Quit your job for sure. Find yourself. Tell her you’re such a good poet she couldn’t possibly know it. Lie. Walk about the house with unzipped y. Pee sitting down, and poo standing up. I just ate a rat. lice and bugs With my cat. Tell her you don’t know who’s supposed to clean it up. Make promises that you promptly forget. I tell you that’s the best one yet. lice and bugs Better than: 1.Showing up late, STINK! 2.Saying happy birthday on the wrong date, 3.Calling in dead, 4.Never getting out of bed. On the day of the very important thing you promised to do Show up drunk as a broken shoe. Disugusting! Throw up. Throw up number two! FOul! That’s how I treat my LOCKED UP! mother, and That’s how you should treat lice and bugs and crickets yours too. While you’re crawling around, you might be tempted to say: Motheriloveyouforgivemei loveyouthemost thankyou forlettingmeliveathome thoughimagrownmanorwomanalmost Horror But don’t let your mouth betray. Collect yourself and your Grotesque. Don’t slip in your own bits. And crawl into your childhood bed. Don’t think of the thrill. Start planning your next feat instead.Gangrenous Because if you don’t upset her, somebody else will. And there will be voices from downstairs: Some stranGer says: How does that horrible young man or is it woman dare?! Mother: He or she works so hard to upset me – at least I know that she or he cares! (Have a contented sigh, then I’ve got another one for you to try) Turn off the lights. Turn them back on, and you are gone. That’s the way to upset your mother. The end.